You can tell a lot about a pastor by what kind of facial hair he has. You know the guys who have the full and fluffy “Moses beard” or the scruffy “I didn’t shave today” look that takes more work than actually not shaving. There are the cool and hip pastors with that little caterpillar patch under their lip (usually matched with an earring and tattoo).
I’ve kept the facial hair for 2o years now, with only a couple little periods with no beard. I shaved for our wedding. I don’t blame Deana for wanting that, it wasn’t so much a beard as a scraggly-looking, random assorment of red facial hair that wasn’t quiet old enough to become a beard. Next time I shaved was 8 or 9 years later as a “high attendance” incentive for VBS one summer. I kept it off, once again at Deana’s request, a couple weeks until Amelia was dedicated. My wife has let me keep it since then. Probably because I’ve always had a baby face when shaved, but the beard began turning gray a few years ago and has made me look like her older husband. And yet, her hair has never started to turn gray. (I choose to make no comment.) So, she always looks younger next to me.
Online columnist Brett Barner at GodlySheep.com wrote this funny essay titled, “FIVE THINGS YOU CAN LEARN ABOUT YOUR PASTOR FROM HIS FACIAL HAIR.” I don’t know if it’s true, but I do think I am sportin’ the “Jesus beard.”
The Monday Morning High Five
Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.
*Warning: Heavy satire. Like I say, “We wouldn’t kid you if we didn’t already like you so much.”
There’s something about facial hair that is the raw epitome of manliness. It is an accessory like none other. Even if you take every effort to rid your face of any trace of facial hair, the very fact that you have to is a defining characteristic of being a man. So what happens when your pastor strays from the standard clean shaven look and ventures into the jungle of facial hair? A lot can be said about a man from his facial hair.
Let’s look at five things you can learn about your pastor from his facial hair:
The Mustache – The mustache can have many forms and resides on many a different individuals. It is possibly the trickiest of all the facial hair designs to pull off. Too small, and no one notices. Too much and everyone expects you to wear bowler hats and use the phrase, “Bully!”
What they may preach about - Chances of mentioning “America” multiple times is very high.
Who they possibly admire – Glenn Beck
The “Soul-Patch” – The Soul-Patch or “Flavor Savor” or “Cookie Duster” is that small patch of hair grown just under the lower lip. It’s like the start of a beard that never happens. The pastor with a Soul-Patch is possibly a frustrated musician or possibly a frustrated beard grower that can only develop that small area under their lip.
Quirk they may have - They may refer to their Soul-Patch in an anthropomorphic sense; giving it a name and discussing it at length with anyone who will listen.
Who they possibly admire - Howie Mandel and/or Miles Davis
The Goatee - The centrifugal cousin of the Soul-Patch, the Goatee resides in a circle of hair around the mouth. This could mean that the pastor has recently served as a youth pastor or he just really likes his mouth and wants to draw attention to it. It is possible that the pastor with the Goatee is trying to connect with the older men by showcasing his ability to grow hair on his face, while also connecting with the younger men by showcasing his ability to be hip and fresh.
What it may also say about him – As in the case of Spock, evil resides in the Goatee.
Who they possibly admire – Rick Warren
The Beard – As lion has its mane, a man has his beard. A pastor with a beard can mean different things. A thin beard would mean that he’s hip and possibly into wearing sandals on a regular basis. A think beard would mean he’s gone Grizzly Adams on you and possibly cuts his own firewood from the trees in the woods that his cabin is secluded in. A well groomed beard is the crowning achievement of man. A pastor with a well groomed beard is a man’s man of pastoring…and facial hair growing.
Other man’s men who had beards – Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Chuck Norris, Billy Mays
Who they possibly admire - Charles Spurgeon
The Epic Beard – The Epic Beard is a beard that has gone beyond well groomed, beyond Grizzly Adams and into the realm of wizardly. If it wasn’t for the bounds of society, I believe all men would try to grow an Epic Beard just because they’d like to see how epic it can become.
What it also may say about him – He’s possibly the leader of a cult.
Who they possibly admire - Gandalf the Gray and/or Gandalf the White
Yeah, that’s what I thought too.
Leave a comment if you have some thoughts on pastors and beards.