Details that Can Save a Marriage

I was going through the filing cabinet that has all my counseling files this week and decided to count the files. (No reason, just an ADD inspired rabbit trail.) I was surprised that I’ve worked with over 100 married or engaged couples formally in the last few years. My record is pretty good – most have made it.

Over the years I developed my own curriculum until I had written exactly what I wanted. “A Marriage Study: A Preparation Course for the Wedding and Beyond” is in use around the country. It’s self-published, so I retain the copyright and full control over both the counselor and participant versions. I pass it on to virtually any pastor or church counselor who requests it. Though I knew of a couple pastors who used my material in Texas, I was still surprised when I arrived here and discovered it was an approved curriculum in the TwoGether in Texas state-sponsored marriage counseling program.

I’m often asked what I tell couples in counseling or if I can boil 8-10 sessions into one pithy sentence. Honestly, I can’t. Marriage isn’t that easy. My intention is to help couples build a foundation of communication, realistic expectations, and dependence on God. However, people and circumstances change. Every couple has to adapt to each other as they change jobs, age, bring children into the picture, become empty nesters, move, and so on.

Most engaged couples sit across from me with all their starry-eyed enthusiasm for marriage and rate their knowledge of their future spouse between an 8-10 on a scale of 1 to 10. Which is fascinating since couples who are asked 5 years after their wedding will say they realize they knew their spouse at between a 2-4 rating when they got married. Ask any guys who’s been married over 10 years and he’ll likely say he now realizes he knew his fiance at about a “1″ level. Ask a guy married over 20 years and he’ll admit to knowing her at “0″ before the wedding; then he’ll whisper that he doesn’t know her any better today because she keeps changing. THAT is the key!

See, men are the same. Even if our clothing size moves a few sizes larger, we’re still perfectly content with the same sweat pants and shirts we’ve had for 20 years. When my wallet finally falls apart, I want to find a new one that’s exactly like the old one. One hairstyle can last a lifetime. (Which is why baldness has never bothered me. It’s less to mess with and never changes.) A new Star Wars or Star Trek movie comes out and it still works as a date night for me. After 20 years of marriage, my wife can predict my moods, tastes, and mostly knows exactly what I’m thinking. Wives can try and convince you their husbands are complicated, but any husband who’s ever walked into a room and heard his wife say, “Don’t even think about it.”, knows she’s got him figured out.

Wives, on the other hand, can change opinions, preferences, personality, and hairstyles on a whim. Most men feel they’re walking through a mine field when they walk in a room and try to figure out what kind of mood their wife is in. “She looks OK, but if I say the wrong thing – KABOOM!” A guy has to figure out if those jeans she’s got on are her “fat jeans” or her “skinny jeans”, and what the different pairs mean about how she feels. Men have to learn the difference between a cuddle and a come on. You’re Mr. Insensitive if you misread those signals. Many wives think they’re husbands don’t notice a new hair cut, color, style. We notice. We’re just too scared to say anything. If you don’t compliment the new look enough – you either don’t notice or you don’t like it. If you go a little too far in your praise of the new look – you obviously didn’t like the way it looked before and are saying she was hideous with the previous style. Lots of wives think husbands who don’t listen are insensitive. Not true. That’s evidence of a husband who listened too good and learned his lesson. His wife kept saying she was too fat for her old clothes, so he bought her a new sweater the next size up. (Frying pan to the head!) I don’t care how many times she says she probably needs a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday — DON’T get her a new vacuum for her birthday. (Every ER doctor knows what a vacuum caused injury looks like. He’ll give you that sympathetic look, and write down “lawn mower accident” out of respect for another foolish husband.)

Let me share with you ten facts that could help every newly married person. They’re things not included in any premarital counseling guide, but probably should be. Many couples could be saved from divorce if they only discover these truths early in their marriage. I’ve got ten for men and ten for women. They aren’t original with me, but come from the book: Rick and Bubba’s Guide to the Almost Nearly Perfect Marriage. Maybe some of these you already know (sorry if you learned it the hard way), and others may be new to you and the one tip that will save you a trip to the ER. You can share these with newlyweds and they’ll thank you for years to come.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FOR WOMEN
1. Your husband-to-be is currently acting like he is fourteen years old. This is not going to change. You might want to lower your expectations to a goal of his maturing to age twenty-one after you have been married for, say, twenty more years.
2. If your husband-to-be loves to watch sports, and he also seems to hunt and fish a lot while you’re dating, assume that he will still have those desires when he is your husband.
3. Men are not complicated. Feed your man, and be excited about intimacy between a husband and a wife, and he will be very happy and content all the days of his life.
4. Men do not care at all about how the house will be decorated. Please don’t ask them about curtains, bedspreads, china, paint colors, or, and most especially, duvets (whatever those are).
5. Men do care about the electronics in the house. Don’t ever freelance in choosing these. Include your husband in every purchase, or just let him go get that stuff himself.
6. Never tell your husband that you don’t want a present for special occasions. He will think you mean it and continue the practice throughout your marriage.
7. If you don’t care what dress your sweetheart likes better on you, don’t ever put him in the position of picking one out for you. Work this out for yourself.
8. All shoes are the same to a man. Don’t even ask.
9. Never buy your husband clothes for a gift – unless the clothes are for you and they have romance as the theme.
10. Men will take alone time with you over any gift, so give it to them generously (unless, of course, it’s alone time to discuss long-term-future plans; remember, men live in the now.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FOR MEN
1. Women make their rules up as they go.
2. Unlike a man,, who never changes quickly enough for a woman, your wife will change into many different women throughout your marriage.
3. Despite what they’re telling you, women do care where and what they eat.
4. Despite what they’re telling you, women do want a gift.
5. Despite what they’re telling you, women really do want you to ask them what they like and how their day went. But before you do, make sure you have plenty of time on hand and a place to sit.
6. Tell her how beautiful she is every single day.
7. Teach her to love wild game, and your sporting life will go much easier.
8. Say good-bye to your single guy friends. They cause nothing but trouble.
9. Do not buy anything that helps with housework for a gift.
10. Add 30 percent to whatever line item is in the budget that involves both her and a checkbook or debit card.

Got some tips to add here or some you take issue with? Email me here or send a message via Facebook or Twitter.

Just trying to help.
- Jeff

Posted: August 13, 2009 
Filed under: Uncategorized
Tagged: Marriage
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